Ever Loved
by Catherine4
Summary: Sorted out the HTML now! Should be easier to read! Mild spoilers for 11.1 6 years in the future both Abby and Carter find something that reminds them of the life they never had COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Last time I posted this the HTML went a but screwy! Hope It's sorted now. Thanks (mostly!!) for the nice reviews. I hope more people will read it now as it's easier to understand!!  
Catherine xx

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Chapter 1  
  
I'm standing in the kitchen in the open doorway, the bright midday sun glinting off the glass and radiating heat onto my face. I'm watching my family, and the smile on my face to anyone else would look as though it was perfectly mirroring the gorgeous day outside.  
  
I was about to step outside but caught sight of them running barefoot on the lawn, laughing as if they didn't have a care in world. I savour every moment of this wonderful scene as if it were the last time I'd ever see it. But I can't help wishing things were different.  
  
They so nearly were. I watch Jakey smiling and waving to me to join in and thank God he's ok. We so nearly lost him, I am so greatful Kem and me got a chance to know our son. But if things were different...  
  
I love Kem, I really do. We have to gorgeous kids together; I can't imagine my life any other way. But we had to work at it. If Jake had died we wouldn't be together, I don't pretend we would be. I hardly knew her, he brought us close. Then Isabel came along and completed our bond but it all feels so fragile, so false. Like it could all fall apart any second and part of me wishes it would.  
  
So I wouldn't have to keep up this pretense. Wouldn't have to constantly work at this relationship. Love shouldn't be this hard, it should be effortless and free, like in fairy tales.  
  
This should be a fairy tale. This, right now. I have a gorgeous wife, two fantastic children but it's not real, it's all happy smiles and public displays of affection but when I'm alone at night, and I roll over and see Kem lying peacefully next to me I can't help wondering what it would be like if it was someone else lying there.  
  
"Daddy!" Jake squeals to me. I look up to see Kem roll him on the lawn and start tickling him. He's giggling hysterically and kicking his legs, begging her to stop. Izzy takes her blanket out of her mouth for long enough to manage a joyous little gurgle and she claps her hands.  
  
The phone rings and I'm glad of the distraction, something to pull me away from this idyllic scene, but it's not real, none of it.  
  
"Hello?"

* * *

_"Dr. Lockhart, that was amazing." I grin as I pull off my gloves and smile at the awe inspired med student who has just witnessed me save a guys life. I nod gratefully and walk out of the trauma room, smiling to myself. This is why I do it. Not to gain respect from naive medical students. They've been here a week, anything would impress them. But for saving lives, helping people.  
  
It sounds cliché but it's true. Every doctor says it but it's not until you're in that position yourself that you truly understand what they mean. What I do matters, I matter.  
  
I'm happy here, I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to do. I'm near my family. Leaving Chicago was the best decision I've made. It was time to move on, get a fresh start. Leave all the baggage and heartache behind.  
  
Then there are some times, late at night after a hard shift, when I'm sitting alone at home or in the staff room when all I want is to be back at County. It's been 3 years, and some times I still think that's where I should be.  
  
I walk to the staff room and collect my coat. I say hal- hearted goodbyes to my colleagues as I leave my half shift and make my way home. My mind's wandering now, like it does all to often. I do want to be here, I'm sure of it. I never was a big fan of change, but I should be used to it now.  
  
The weather's lovely and I feel contented, walking the scenic route through the park, the dappled shade of the trees overhead protecting me from the harsh sun. It takes twice as long to get home this way, and half an hour ago I wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but I look around, see the happy kids and hear the singing birds and feel like I could stay out here forever.  
  
I find a bench and sit down, sighing deeply, breathing in the fresh air. This is a million miles away from noisy, cold, wet Chicago. But there's one thing Chicago has that Minneapolis doesn't.  
  
My cell phone starts ringing and stops me abruptly from traveling down that road and I'm grateful. I can't go there again. I dig deep into my bag and find what I'm looking for, although I don't really want to talk, don't want to do anything to spoil this atmosphere.  
  
"Hello?"_

_

* * *

_  
I sigh in frustration and clench my free fist as I perch on the edge of the living room sofa. I can still see Kem and the kids playing through the French windows but I shake my head, concentrating on the call.  
  
"No, you can't do that... Suspending me was bad enough... whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty, I acted in no way but professionally with that patient." I'm growing more and more exasperated now. I knew this perfect day couldn't last. The arrogant condescending voice on the other end of the line grates on my ears. I block it out, no longer hearing specific words, just muffled sounds in the background.  
  
It's nothing I haven't heard before, only now I've just discovered fresh accusations have been flung my way of situations I knew nothing about. I'm beginning to wonder whether all this is really worth it. 'Helping people'. What does that really mean? Maybe I've just been unlucky. Or maybe I've been doing this too long.  
  
I reach the end of my ponderings just in time to hear the parting words from my co-worker. "Fine" I snap in reply, "I don't care anymore. This never would have got this far with Kerry in charge."  
  
I slam the receiver down and try to calm myself down. I feel a pair of hands slide gently around my waist and I feel instantly calm. Kem nuzzles into my neck and begins to talk as she plants soft kisses on my face.  
  
I'm not in the mood. The moment's shattered. But I try to grit my teeth and smile.  
  
"Was that work?" she asks, I only nod. The look on my face tells her to drop it and thankfully she obliges. She tries to placate me by running her hands up my back. "Relax" she whispers, "come outside."  
  
She releases me and starts to walk back into the kitchen. I hesitate for a moment and she turns around and smiles, reaching out a hand. "Come on" she urges and I finally relent. "forget about work. Screw them."

* * *

_"Darren, no. I don't want to hear it. Don't pretend you're sorry, I don't want to hear it." I cross my legs angrily and notice I'm tapping my nails impatiently on the back of the bench. "I'm not listening to this" I tell him in a warning tone, "you had your fair share of chances."  
  
I realise with slight annoyance how empty my words sound sinse I've still not hung up. I'm sick of hearing his apologies; I'm not bothering any more. I'm going to be strong. "Good bye Darren!" I tell him, cutting him off mid sentence and pointedly snap my phone shut.  
  
I nod to myself, satisfied that I got the point across, but it still doesn't stop me being any less irritated that he's still hassling me. I won't give in.  
  
I snatch up my coat and bag and start hurrying towards the gate on the other side of the park. It's a long way from the pleasant stroll I was enjoying a few moments ago and I just want to get home. Once again, a perfectly enjoyable moment ruined by that idiot I used to like.  
  
I reach my apartment and turn the key in the lock. I make a mental note to by a fan when the waft of unbearably humid heat hits me when I push open the door. I throw my stuff down on the sofa, next to the piles of magazines and medical books. I need to clean up.  
  
Later. I head to the kitchen and hover at the fridge, debating whether to have soda or just water. Like that's the most important decision in my life right now. I wish it was.  
  
A phone rings again. This time, it's my landline. And I'd nearly calmed down again. I pick up the phone, suddenly turning defensive again. "What?" I bark down the phone, all set up for another confrontation.  
  
"Oh, hi Tina. Sorry, I thought you were someone else." I sigh and am relaxed again. "Yeah, how did you know he's been calling me? He didn't come looking for me at work too did he?... That's typical...It wasn't so much a hint as a big fat 'No frickin' way!'."  
  
I make my way into the bedroom, the cordless phone balanced on my shoulder. I sit down on the bed and kick my shoes off. I collapse onto the covers exhausted.  
  
"You know what, he can jump off a bridge for all I care...That's right, bollocks to him!"_

_

* * *

_  
I lie on a blanket on the lawn, gazing up at the sky. The humid air has begun to settle and the ground is moist. Dusk has come and I haven't moved for hours. Kem's hand is settled on my chest and Izzy's asleep next to me. Jake's still riding around on his bike but I can tell he's beginning to flag.  
  
"Hey." I gently tap Kem on the shoulder. She rolls over to look at me, a smile spread across her face. "I think we should get these two off to bed." She nods and stands up, slowly walking over to our son. I smile down at Isabel, stroking her baby soft hair for a moment before scooping her up and walking back inside.  
  
Maybe this could continue to work, maybe it's not a farce after all. My smile feels real, and I know Kem's is. And I can't imagine my life without the gorgeous baby girl I hold in my arms and my son who fought so hard to survive. I guess if I want them, I get Kem too.  
  
That's not a bad thing. There are plenty of guys out there worse off than me. I guess no one's ever happy with their lot. Kem brushes past me on her way upstairs, Jake clinging tightly round her neck. She winks as be was she continues up the stairs and kisses me lightly on the cheek.  
  
I stand for a moment, just watching her. But I know deep down she's not the one I want. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
_"He was hassling Beth at reception. He didn't believe anyone when they said you weren't there. You need to set him straight Abby."  
  
I groan and shift my weight on the sofa, hugging a cushion to my chest. "I thought I did" I say, exasperated. Why can guys not take the hint? Or, more likely than not, they get the hint and think they can ignore it. They think they're all so wonderful. They're not. Well, not all...  
  
"Well, tell him harder. Write it on the side of his car with a key, that ought to get his attention!" I stare at her wide eyed as she sits there giggling with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. I think she's had enough. I reach forward and try and save my sofa from inevitable spillage but she swats my hand away.  
  
I just roll my eyes, there's really no point in arguing. She stops and looks at me for a moment. "Can you make sure he walks into a door or something? Nothing major, I just want to have a bit of fun."  
  
"Tina!" Cannot believe she said that with a straight face. I make a mental note to make sure I'm on the other side of the world if I ever decide to get sick. I would not like her for a nurse. "It's me who should be the pissed off ex. Why are you getting involved?"  
  
She shrugs. "Boredom."  
  
Oh. Dear. Lord. "Take out!" I practically shout, just to change the subject. I jump up and start to walk into the kitchen to find the menus.  
  
"Sure. Anything to stop you moping. You dumped him remember? Just have a glass of wine."  
  
I cringe. Every time someone asks me out for a drink after work I feel the same way. I feel like I'm betraying my friends somehow by not telling the truth. I make up some excuse, 'I've got an early shift tomorrow' or 'I just want to get some sleep'. I don't want to admit that the real reason is because I'm weak. I don't want them to think any less of me. Dr Lockhart, Chief Resident Extraordinaire.  
  
I like to think that my 'problem' is all in the past but I know it's not. It never can be. But I'm not going to slip down that road again. They'll just have to deal with knowing nothing about me. Hell, I didn't even tell everyone at County about my problem and they were there when I fell of the wagon. It's not their problem, it's mine.  
  
"Pizza or Chinese?" Tina asks, picking up the bottle of wine and refilling her glass.  
  
I turn around. "What?"  
  
"Food. Are you alright? You seem like you have something on your mind."  
  
I shrug without saying anything and open the kitchen draw by the phone. "Hey, I can only find Chinese or Indian. Will that do?" Tina's complaining from next door tells me otherwise.  
  
"I could murder a pepperoni right now. Maybe it's in another draw." That's funny, I could murder a certain ex boyfriend. Not that he was 'the one' or anything, it's just the principal. I sigh, deciding to let it go.  
  
I close that draw and walk over to the letter rack on the kitchen table, leafing through the junk mail and unpaid bills. I stop when I get near the back and gently pull out an old photograph. The sight of the gorgeous brown eyes staring deep into mine makes me smile and go week at the knees, still after all this time. Not that I have any right to let it, I left him. Perhaps the biggest mistake of my life.  
  
"What's that?" Tina appears behind me and makes me jump. I stuff the photo back into the rack and spin around, doing my best to look casual.  
  
"Oh, nothing. I guess I will have that drink."_

_

* * *

_  
"Hey, Jake's lost Lenny bear."  
  
I swing round the corner into our bedroom. Kem's sitting on the bed with her back to me. The bedside lamp does little to illuminate the room and the moon light's streaming through the window and falling on her slender figure as she pulls off her casual T-shirt ready for bed.  
  
She turns round when she hears me and grins, rolling her eyes. "I think him and Bobby were playing Hide-and-Seek this morning, he could be anywhere." She turns around again and continues getting undressed. She's so comfortable with me, I can tell. And I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way.  
  
"Moooom! I need my teddy!" Jake's distressed whimpers are coming from down the hall and I cringe, waiting for Izzy to start crying so soon after she get to sleep. Thankfully, all is quiet again. I look at Kem.  
  
"Oh no, I'm not going!" She winks at me and nods in the direction of the door. "It's your turn to placate your son."  
  
"Oh, he's just mine then is he?" I tease. Maybe I am comfortable with her. Comfortable enough to engage in this flirty banter that so often takes place between us. I confuse myself so much, my feelings never seem clear to me.  
  
I sigh. "Fine. Just get hunting."  
  
I leave the room, pulling at my own top to try and cool down. "Do you know where you left Lenny bear?" I ask my son as I enter his room.  
  
He's sitting up in bed with the light still on, tears in his eyes. "No. I lost him Daddy."  
  
"We better find him then buddy, hadn't we?"  
  
I go back to my own bedroom to find Kem in the same place she was before. "We better start looking I guess" I tell her. "We'll never get any peace if he doesn't turn up."  
  
She nods, standing up. Her silky slip falls to her knees as she does so and the puts on her slippers. Walking past me and out of the room, she gives me a gentle peck on the cheek. "I'll check downstairs."  
  
I stay in the doorway for a moment longer, surveying the room for the lost bear. I flick the main light on, making the impending job easier and I find myself squinting as my eyes adjust to the light.  
  
I look under the bed, in the dresser draws, the linen basket, anywhere I can think of. I'm hardly thinking of Kem of my mixed up feelings. That's more or less all I've been doing for a while. My kids mean more to me than anything, I hate the thought of either of them being in distress.  
  
I finally cross to the wardrobe and open the pine wood doors with the gold handle. I crouch down on the floor, starting to remove shoes and bags and flinging them behind me onto the carpet. I remove one of Kem's hold-alls and see a rather tatty brown bear, complete with frayed red ribbon staring back at me with his one eye.  
  
I pick him up, smiling. I can still hear Kem clattering about downstairs. "Hey, I've found..."  
  
I begin to call to her but stop dead. There's a shoebox right at the back behind a long overcoat. I must have knocked the lid of in the search. I reach for it and lift it out to investigate the contents, even though the only thing I really care about it right on the top and calling out to me, grabbing my attention.  
  
"Any luck?" I hear Kem's voice downstairs but ignore her, the words seem muffled in the distance and my brain focuses on nothing else.  
  
I set down the box and the bear next to me and pick up the photo. I smile sadly. Abby's gorgeous face it looking up at me and I realise I'm stroking her cheek without realising what I'm doing. It's like an instinct, second nature to me even after all these years. If only it was for real.

* * *

I pick up the two used wine glasses from the side and put them into the sink before tipping the empty pizza boxes in the bin. I groan when I catch sight of the microwave clock but then realise that the time is probably not why my head is hurting. 1:15 am. I have to be at work by 7. The two wine bottles are still sitting on the coffee table, I walk straight past them into my bedroom, not wanting to deal with it.  
  
6 years. That's how long I've been sober. 6 years down the drain in one night all because of a stupid photo of a guy I haven't seen in half a decade. In all the time I've been here Tina hadn't seen me drink. That's because I hadn't. Seeing me downing nearly a whole bottle of red wine, a glass at a time I guess made her realise that she hadn't. I then spent a good 2 hours trying to convince her that I was fine.  
  
But I'm not fine, and I don't want to have to face her questions at work today. I walk over to the window. I'm about to pull the blinds shut and plunge the room into darkness but I find myself blankly staring down at t he street outside. I don't even know what I'm looking at, I don't think I'm concentrating on anything at all.  
  
Not outside anyway, in my mind perhaps. I finally close the blinds, sitting down on the bed and pulling off my pants. I fold them up and hang them on the chair but stop when I find the photo in the back pocket of my jeans. I pull it out, trying to smooth out the creases and gaze at it the exact same way I did when I first found it. The same way I wish I could face to face.  
  
But I made damn sure that didn't happen, I left, ran away. I pretend like the decision was out of my hands, he had Kem, I didn't fit into his life anymore, only as friends. And I didn't want that. I had to let him be happy, I had to leave.  
  
But I know deep down that that isn't true. Kem turned him down. The first time Carter proposed, she said no. I had a chance then, but I didn't take it. I was too afraid of being hurt again, too scared to be happy in case it was all snatched away from me. Turns out it was anyway, before I could really find out what would happen if I'd told him how I feel.  
  
I guess I still could, but even in my drunk deluded state I know I never would. He's married, he has to kids. If that happy smiley photograph he'd sent last Christmas was anything to go by he was happy. He wouldn't want me now. I bet he's only thought of me in passing since I left. He wouldn't be interested now, why would he?  
  
I wake up slowly and look around. It's still dark; the streetlamps are on outside but there is no sound of traffic passing outside the window. I roll over and look at the alarm clock. 2:32am. I sigh, not surprised that I'm awake. 'You always were a light sleeper' Kem would say if she saw me now, 'you must have something on your mind.'  
  
I look at her, sleeping soundly next to me. She stirs with the movement I cause by rolling over but shows no real sign of waking up. She'd be right, I do have something on my mind. I can get the image of Abby's smiling face out of my head. I stuffed the photo right back into the box but that doesn't mean I'm not still thinking about it. I can't remember when that photo was taken, we had so many happy times like that. It would be impossible to pin point a particular time just from the joyous look on her face. She used to smile like that so much in the beginning with me.  
  
I shake my head. I'm pretending like her life was over the moment we broke up. I'd be naive to think that she was still pining after me. She always was stronger than me, even if she didn't admit it. What would change now? She'd moved away, moved on. New city, new job, new man. She was probably lying in bed right now next to him. And he was probably making her the happiest woman alive.  
  
Just because I'm still clinging to the past doesn't mean she should be. I stop staring up at the ceiling and close my eyes. I can imagine her right now, sleeping soundly, cuddling up to the man of her dreams. Only in my mind that man's me. I still imagine her apartment the same, as if my subconscious still believes her to be right across town.  
  
Some days I half expect to see her, even after all this time. I never expect her to come back, she has no reason to. People change, they move on. That's in our nature. So much has changed in my life, I'm not so ignorant as to expect Abby's to be the same.

* * *

_I pull the covers up to my shoulders, despite the heat. It's a security thing. I take a deep breath and snuggle down further, attempting to get back to sleep. I finally feel fatigue once again envelope my body and I drift of into another fitful slumber, only one thought in my mind.  
  
It's been 15 minutes sinse I climbed into bed and I still feel wide awake. I dread to think what I'll be like at work, I remind myself to brew some extra strong coffee before I leave.  
  
I just keep picturing him in that photo. I put it away in my bottom draw after I'd found it in my pocket. I wasn't going to be so sad as to sleep with an ex boyfriend's picture next to me. That would just highlight to the rest of the world how pathetic I am for even thinking about him still, pondering what could have been.  
  
But it's not. And never will be. I have a new life, I've moved on. I love my job, and my friends. I may have an idiot for a man but I don't need a man to make me happy. I nod defiantly. I can be happy on my own. Damn it, I will. I'm sure Carter is, why shouldn't I be.  
  
I sigh, over my moment of strength and resign myself to the fact that I will always miss him and will always wish things were different. He was the love of my life, still is. We're soul mates, I know that. Or were. That idea only works if both parties feel the same right? And he doesn't, he's happy with Kem and the kids.  
  
I roll over in bed, hugging a pillow like a security blanket and am suddenly painfully aware of the empty space next to me where Carter should be. One famous cliché is swimming round and round in my mind, but that's all my life has become, a cliché. Pathetic jealous ex self-destructs because of a man she can never have.  
  
The words are hovering on my lips and I whisper them into the darkness to no one except me.  
  
"It's better to have loved and lost..."_

_

* * *

_  
"...Than never to have loved at all."


End file.
